The Virgin’s Guide to RAGBRAI
First and foremost, congratulations on your wise decision to ride with the Perineum Falcons. You will probably not regret it.
The following information has been compiled to help guide you through your virgin RAGBRAI experience with the Perineum Falcons.
Packing for your first RAGBRAI can be a daunting task. Fortunately, the top brass of the Perineum Falcons have taken time out of their extraordinarily busy schedules to provide you with this vigorously researched and exhaustively tested guide to help escort you through the packing process for your virgin RAGBRAI voyage.
What you should bring
- Money: Figure on about $25-$30 per day on breakfast burritos, pork chops, corn, pie and booze at the local bars. Also, consider pitching in a few dollars on supplemental team beer, Gatorade, Red Bull or whatever else comes up. Lastly, do not forget $300 in personal burial money.
- Street Clothes: Barely necessary. Pack light: 2 or 3 outfits, unless you're a female. Then, just try to keep it to a dozen or less, and don't forget your 3 in. pumps. The weather will be mostly hot as balls, but prepare for cool evenings.
- Raincoat: Skin is also water resistant. Consider nudity during rain showers.
- Towel: Nearly pointless in Iowa in July, as it will smell like a moldy basement after one use. But, you can use it to wipe stuff up, afterward.
- Waterproof Baggies: For anything you want to keep dry.
- Sunscreen: …and lots of it.
- Medication: Bring enough to share.
- Birth Control: Your preference: An Ovulation calendar and a thermometer, Birth Control Pills (or for the procrastinator, Morning After Pills), Condoms, Today's Sponge, a Super Soaker filled with Nonoxyl-9, or a jug of bleach. Just bring it... I’m not asking, Arun.
- Your Liver
- Bike: Believe it or not, this is optional on RAGBRAI. There are many "riders" that dress the part only to ride the buses all week.
- Bicycle Helmet: If you have a Specialized brand helmet, it is mandatory that you scratch off the "i" and the "z" on all of the "Specialized" logo stickers.
- Cycling Shoes or SPD Sandals: Marc will make fun of you if you wear SPD Sandals, but he understands your motivation.
- Cycling Shorts w/ Taint Padding: Optional, I guess... but at the end of the week, you'll be happy with any padding you can get.
- Water Bottle(s): 1 bottle for water and 1 bottle for liquor/fuel is recommended.
- Compact Multi-Tool: For quick repairs, adjustments and opening beer bottles.
- Extra Tubes / Patch Kit / Compact Pump: Just ask Arun if extra tubes / patch kits are necessary...
Aerobar: Optional but highly recommended, both for aerodynamics and for optional hand/arm positions.- Joe says bikes with these are a pain to load on the bus.
- Lock: Not really necessary unless you're bike is worth more than your car. No guarantees.
- Headlight / Taillight: if you plan on riding at night.
- Tent: Space efficient, weatherproof, and easy to set up in exhausted and shit-hammered drunk conditions.
- Sleeping bag / Blanket: Most sleeping bags are too effing hot for IA in July. Most opt for a light blanket and a sleeping pad (below) and get along just swimmingly.
- Sleeping pad: Optional, but recommended if you bring only a blanket.
- Pillow: ...for biting or whatever.
- Flashlight or Headlamp: Although people will look at you funny, a headlamp can double as a flashlight / bike light / kybo light / reading light / sex light. Very useful.
What will be provided by the Perineum Falcons:
- The Perineum Falcon II: The team bus. Love it.
- 10-Gallon Storage Tub: All of your personal shit must fit in here. Unless it doesn't. Assuming we have enough.
- Cellphone Chargers: Pretty popular amongst those smartphone users as their battery no longer lasts a day anymore.
- Illegal On-Bus Pisser: Notice it is not referred to as an illegal on-bus shitter. Let's keep it that way.
- 120 qt Cooler: For Beer Only.
- 80 qt Cooler: for Beer and whatnot.
- Trash and Recycling Cans
- Leftover Swag from the yesteryears: Back when we were proactive enough to line up beer sponsors.
- Markers: For writing on buses, people, livestock, genitals, etc.
- Floor Pump
- Basic Tools
- Anything else: Just ask Frodo, he packs everything.
- Solar-Heated Camp Shower: The term "Solar-Heated" is used very, very loosely. Adult males step out of the camp shower as shivering hermaphrodites. Adult females are able to cut glass with their nipples.
- Camp Shower Privacy Tent: Optional.
A Note Regarding Official RAGBRAI Registration
Of course, the Perineum Falcons condones registering for the RAGBRAI and supporting it. However, there will be more than 5000 riders without tags on the ride who neither drew, nor applied and are riding anyway. The Des Moines Register sells a limited number of registrations to support the ride and knows fully that there will be many more than that on the ride and in the towns. If you are not registered, you will be missing out on a dollar off a limited number of food items, semi-truck trailer hauling of your baggage (which we will not need), official sag-wagon usage (we have our own), vehicle access to the main campgrounds (where we will not be camping) and a dollar off car wash/high school showers (which we will not need to use).
If you do not have a wristband and someone gives you shit for it, slowly extend your fist toward their nose, palm up, and slowly extend your middle finger to within one inch of their forehead.