Now, the phrase ‘cycling team’ may suggest that we are an elite squad of professional cyclists. We totally could be, but we’d rather drink a lot and commandeer a golf cart.

Here’s a more accurate description of the Perineum Falcon cycling team:

  • We do not ride in tight, aerodynamic draft lines at average speeds of 32mph. No. We ride in large, slow, meandering groups averaging somewhere between 0 and 15 mph.
  • We ride bikes that cost less than, but weigh approximately as much as, our cars.
  • We do not know our lactate thresholds, nor our VO2 Max. We are, however, precisely aware the alcohol content and specific gravity of each of our favorite microbrews.
  • We think chamois pads are something with which you polish your car, not something you sit on while cycling.
  • We do not shave our body hair outside of what is expected by societal norms or common courtesy.
  • We do not take performance enhancing drugs, unless by “performance enhancing drugs” you mean “alcohol”, “ibuprofen” or “caffeine”.
  • We do not rehydrate with Cytomax after a hard ride; we rehydrate with with a mouth-watering, hoppy ale. Crotchal chafing is not caused solely by bicycling.
  • We do not carb load with pasta; we carb load with a mouth-watering, hoppy ale… and maybe a pork chop. Surprisingly, our body fat percentages do not reside within the single-digit range, except maybe Joe and Mike, but they are effing freaks..

In summary, our team consists of a diverse group of mostly upstanding citizens (depraved bastards) who ride bicycles for fun, and for the companionship of our fellow cyclists (take advantage of drunk biker chicks). We have also been known to dabble in adult big wheel riding and duck racing… and we really like good beer.